i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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