my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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