DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
