I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
