I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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