shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
