Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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