i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
