a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
