She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
