flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
