every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
