Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
