it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize