took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
