hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
