i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
