you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
40s are totally the cure
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
