I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Michael Bay diarrhea
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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