She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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