just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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