If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
