I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
