right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
