By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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