I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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