i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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