I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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