then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
