I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
