I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
