Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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