how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
