a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I smell like Dick and happiness
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