I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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