The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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