I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
