I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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