apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your penis caused this!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize