I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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