I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
