I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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