I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Actions speak louder than pants.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
