next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
