we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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