I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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