Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
