god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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