guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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