he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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