so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Couch. On fire.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
