This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
