you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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