she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
